"Mine!"

What is my world coming to? My sweet baby has learned the most cherished word of toddlers everywhere: the infamous "mine." He just learned it this morning, and has been using it liberally. No matter that it sounds like "my" coming out of his mouth...we all know exactly what he means. This selfish mine concept, above all others, exemplifies to me the human sinful nature in small children. (As if I had any doubt about this one!)

Precious little one, we have a lot of work ahead of us.

Waiting

Waiting is hard. We've been at our current base for four years, and you know what that means: it's highly likely that orders will be coming our way sometime soon. Part of the military adventure is not knowing where (or when!) we're going next! But I find myself having less and less patience for that type of "adventure" lately. In my sinful human heart, I want nothing more than to be able to tightly grab hold of the future, squeezing and twisting it to fit my own short-sighted desires. Sometimes I feel tired of a life where one can never really put down roots. I am not a person who likes change, and somewhere in my dreams, my husband has a middle-class civilian job, and we have no plans to leave a community and church and friends we love...ever ...We own our home, and I can paint the rooms whatever color I want without that irritating thought in the back of my mind - in a few years, I'll be painting all these walls white again!...My kids can have a school and activities where I'll have reason to care about the happenings a few grades ahead of theirs; no more of this by the time Drake is old enough to be involved in that, we won't be here anymore stuff.

Yes, sometimes the grass truly seems greener on the other side.

But about four years ago, I went through something that changed my life. We moved to Florida. Did I want to leave Minot? No! Was I angry and frustrated, and did I throw some grown-up sized temper tantrums? Yes! I wanted nothing more than to stay forever in the frozen north. Granted, I was learning to trust the Lord a bit (if you've been reading this blog for long, you'll probably remember that my relationship with Jesus truly began during that assignment), but I could not imagine why on earth I would have to leave the people who mattered most to me in all the world, and who had been instrumental in gently bringing me to an understanding of who God is and how much I need Him. It was utterly disappointing and confusing for me.

I wore these feelings on my sleeve, apparently. One night just before we left, one of these precious people I was struggling to let go of sat down with me and gave me a half-sheet of white paper. I have just now pulled it out from its place, and I'm looking right at it, remembering. This is what it says:

Attitude
by Charles Swindoll

"The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company..a church..a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past.. We cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:5-8

Yep, that's what it said! I was convicted, and decided to change my attitude and make the best of what had to be. That doesn't mean it was all easy and happy, but it did help me notice the hand of God more readily. I realized that He was in Florida too! (And I carried that paper with me in my purse for several years!)

No matter what our situation or lifestyle, the God we serve gives us specific blessings and a purpose for being in our particular position. This is something positive He has shown me about the military (or any transient) lifestyle: we may have an easier time keeping an "eternal" perspective. We do not have the option to buy a house and plan to stay there through our golden years. We can invest ourselves in our church fellowship to a point, but this is knowing that soon we will be ripping ourselves away from those people we've grown to care so much about. We will have to start over a number of times...and get that lonely and difficult "stranger in a strange land" feeling, no matter how many times we do it. But although these facts may be annoying or downright discouraging, the benefit is that we are pressed nearer to God in the lonely and uncertain times, and reminded again that this world is not our home! Feeling like a "stranger" can be a keen reminder to praise and thank the Lord of Heaven that this world isn't all there is!

Right now, I don't have a desire to stay here forever like I did in Minot. But there is something I do want, a precious desire of my heart. I have been pleading with the Lord over it. And yet I know that only He sees the big picture. Only the King of the Universe knows exactly where He wants us to fit into it. How many times have I laid my desires at His feet, and then found myself sneaking back to retrieve them, to try squeezing them in my own hands again? My flesh cries out for power over the future, which, of course, it cannot and should not have.

We hope to know by December 15 a little more of what our future will hold, although there is also the distinct possibility that we may be totally skipped over for orders this cycle. (In that case, the wait will continue.)

I pray that no matter what happens, whether we get a "yes" or a "no" or a "wait some more", that I will be able to bring glory to Jesus with my attitude. I pray that we will be filled with patience beyond measure to get through this time of waiting, and that the Lord would see fit to mature us into the most useful vessels possible, whatever the outcome. He is good! Always.

Daniel study, Take 2

Last night I had the privilege of talking with one of my favorite people in the world until the wee hours of the morning. (And just for the record, it was totally worth it.) One of the things we talked about reminded me of a post I have been wanting to make on here, having to do with the subject of "image building," among other things.

I got a bit off track the last time I started to blog about the Bible study I’m participating in. I ended up telling the story of King Nebuchadnezzar’s dream and its fulfillment. Which I totally love, by the way! But I really wanted to briefly overview some of the points that Beth Moore has made so far in the study that have really spoken to me. Briefly. I’m totally serious. I have every intention of being brief. Wish me luck. (And keep in mind that these ideas are not mine - I'm just giving a recap of some really cool stuff I've learned from this study.)

-- Our western culture today is similar to the culture of the Babylonians, where Daniel was taken as a captive to serve King Nebuchadnezzar. Babylon’s mentality, demonstrated again and again in scripture is: "I am, and there is none besides me." (Isaiah 47:8,10 and others) (I can’t help but liken this to the "It’s All About Me" t-shirts and attitudes you see everywhere today! Believing that I, myself, am the most important thing in the universe is poisonous.)

-- As a parallel to the Babylonians who took captive the young, handsome, intelligent sons of Israelite nobility when they conquered Jerusalem, our culture is also extremely concerned with age/youth, physical appearance, intelligence, and status. We feel very "less-than" when we can’t or don’t meet our Babylon’s standards for "worthiness".

-- Many Hebrew youths were taken, including Daniel and his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (who we know primarily by their Babylonian names, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego). Babylon tried to indoctrinate them with intense study in magic/witchcraft, and excesses of every kind, but God Himself interpreted all they learned to their hearts - they were able to stand firm in their beliefs and priorities despite incredible pressures and temptations. Day after day. Year after year. There were many other young Israelite men taken with Daniel and his friends who were eventually absorbed into their new culture...they had so conformed that there was no mention of them in scripture after that point.

-- The statue in King Nebuchadnezzar’s first dream is fulfilled prophecy! (I made this point the last time, but that was about the only point made!)

-- When Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah were delivered by the Lord from the fiery furnace, nothing on them was singed (hair, clothing, etc.) except the ropes that bound their hands! A difficult trial can sometimes free us from an area of bondage, too.

-- There was not even a smell of smoke about them! Full deliverance means no longer "smelling like fire." (Convicting. How often do we carry that smoky smell of bitterness or self-pity around with us long after being delivered from the fire? Can we cease dwelling on our past trials enough that someone who finds out about them after knowing us a little would be surprised that we had been through what we’ve been through - that we don’t even "smell like fire"?)

-- When we are faced with a seriously difficult trial, we can be delivered from the fire (immediate healing, etc.), through the fire (survive by the skin of our teeth, but live to tell about it), or by the fire (into the arms of our Lord in heaven). Either way, Jesus walks beside us with every step.

-- Pride comes in many forms, but usually falls into one of two categories: performance (what I do) or abstinence (what I don’t do). Satan is sneaky and cruel, and he will try to twist even areas of joy and victory into pride and bondage.

Okay, I need to stop for now. I’m copying these ideas from the front inside cover of my book, where I’ve been jotting down some of the points that really struck me. There are still a few more to go, but for brevity’s sake (hmmm...that goal is already quickly slipping away from me at this point!) I’ll stop for now.

But here is the one in particular that I wanted to talk a little more about - image building. Here I quote Beth Moore: "The inspiration for building an image doesn’t come from the Spirit. ...for us, image building is any way we intentionally make ourselves seem different - and usually more - than we really are. Image building is the attempt to make impressions that are bigger than we are. Image building may begin with what is true but enhances that truth until it is a lie." This image building that she speaks of is bred of insecurity, and insecurity is magnified by living in our modern-day "Babylon."

I don’t know about you, but this is such a major, major struggle for me. I want to be the mom who has it all together, who is wise and kind and mature and loving, who relishes her job as a homemaker and excells in it, who doesn’t let her kids watch too much TV and always provides a healthy snack of carrot sticks and whole wheat bread to her kindergartner after school, who diligently prepares meals for her family every evening and never picks fights with her husband, who never wonders if she might be in over her head or questions whether her kids might be better off with someone else, who always has a clean house and reads her Bible every day, oh and while we’re at it, who loves to organize things and to exercise. Yeah, that’s what I want to be. But I’m not. I’m actually not any of those things. At least not all the time.

So last night, we were talking about this, and we wondered...what about those super-people who seem to have it all together? Between the two of us, we know quite a few of them. And some of them we know well enough to know that it’s real - at least some of it. (By real, I mean that their house IS actually really clean all the time, and not just when they know someone is coming to visit...they actually DO sit down as a family after supper and read long chapter books or Bible passages to their children who all listen quietly - even the 2-year-old.) But I think that everyone has areas in their own life that they see as a glaring failure, or at least in need of a lot of improvement. Maybe they’re just not as obvious as mine. And maybe mine aren’t really as obvious to everyone else as I think they are. If that’s the case, which I suspect it is, then I am building a false image of myself, and I am in sin. So I continue to struggle in presenting the true me to the world, complete with plenty of flaws, and risk judgment and ridicule and those awkward silences where you know someone thinks you’re totally incompetent.

But who do we love more, the person we admire for all his/her success and perfection - or the person who is truthful enough (or who we’re close enough to) to show us his/her struggles and what they’re learning from them?

(If you’re still reading at this point, bless your dear soul! You possess much tenacity!)

I choose truth. But for me, it’s a constant struggle and a conscious choice that must be made every day. It is so easy to slip into image building...one exaggeration or omission at a time. To God be the glory when things go well, but His grace is sufficient when I’m not all that I dearly want to be.

A small mutiny

We're having company in a few days, so I've started thinking about preparing for that. And we're also having Drake's 6th birthday party here a week from tomorrow. So yesterday afternoon, I went into the playroom and sat down in the middle of the floor, sorting toys. Army men with the army men, Transformers with the Transformers, baby toys in the baby toy bins, and all the miscellaneous stuff....ummm....over here in these drawers. Now, admittedly I should have had Drake doing it, or at least helping me, but I just didn't feel like I could handle any more battles with him yesterday.

So I was in there sorting, and Drake came in, and asked in a horrified voice, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"I'm cleaning up the playroom," I told him.

"No," he whined, "Don't do that! I like it this way!" pointing to the toy-scattered landscape.

"But isn't it easier to find things when it's all cleaned up?"

"No, it's easier to find them when I can see them all! I don't want you to clean it!"

I was surprised, to say the least. Unfortunately, I sort of expect that kind of reaction when he's the one doing the cleaning, but I was cleaning it myself! If he doesn't even like things picked up when someone else is willing to do it for him, how am I ever going to get him motivated to keep his stuff picked up on his own?

How I would love to have a maid!! But apparently my son would rather live in clutter. Neither of us actually enjoys picking stuff up, but at least I like it when things are organized! Perhaps that's an acquired trait?

I know I'm setting myself up for all kinds of derision and advice by posting something like this, but I am weary. I know that I am the parent - "the boss" - but after awhile I feel like there is a mutiny going on, and it's such a battle to deal with the same sinful attitude issues in my kids over and over again. Consistency is the key; I know this. And I need to not give in or back down (and not do things like clean something up myself that I should have Drake doing, only because I can do it 10 times faster and because I don't want to listen to his protests).

Often, Drake is a sweet, helpful kid who thinks of others before himself. And then there are times like now. I don't feel like we're doing anything different with him, but it saddens and disappoints me when he can't get along with his playmates, whines and complains about everything all day, says mean things to his brother, and the list goes on. I am apprehensive about him starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks, because I really don't want him to get off on the wrong foot with his teacher and classmates, but his whole disposition has been so "sour" lately. I know there is a kind, sweet, hard-working little boy in there somewhere. Where did he go?

But really, I see many of the same attitude problems that he is displaying reflected in my own heart, and I'm not too efficient at getting rid of them either. I complain a lot too, often inwardly, but that doesn't make it any better. I can be lazy too - I don't want to do things that seem overwhelming to me. So I understand it. I really do. But I think we find it even harder to deal with sin in others that we ourselves struggle with. Maybe because it seems more hopeless?

Yesterday I took the TV away indefinitely. You would think the entire world had ended. Then a little while ago, I told him I was about to take "play" away from him, too, if he could not be thankful for it and stop complaining. I guess I had better get to thinking of lots of chores he can do this afternoon. I pray that I will not have to take it quite that far...