It's easy for me to keep a godly perspective on, well, anything . . . for about two minutes. I have the attention span of a labrador retriever. I appear to be genuinely focused, and then Oh! A tennis ball! and I come back hours, days . . . years later to that character trait or assignment or ministry or question or whatever it was. I set my heart to focus. I pray. And then somehow I become distracted by just living life.
I am a seriously flawed individual. And at the same time I am amazingly discontented. How can both of those ideas coexist in a human heart? I am deceived! I can somehow admit that I do not, by my own merit, deserve any good at all . . . and in the same moment somehow feel that my circumstances are not good enough for me.
If only ___, then I could be happy.
If only ___, then I could be more obedient to the Lord.
If only ___, then I could have this difficult conversation without getting angry.
If only ___, then I could be a better wife, a better mother.
God, You know exactly what goes in those blanks, and yet You are all I need. Expose my foolish self-deception! Let me never forget the depth of my sin. Humble my heart. Be always before my eyes.
I do not deserve Your mercy! You pursued me through my wandering away and you continue to pursue me through my crippled attempts to serve You. Your love is real, as hard as it is to understand. How loving and patient You are, my Savior! I know this not because somebody told me so, but because I can see it when I look back. Thank you.
Father, never let me go!
2 comments:
Melonie,
I cried when I read your post. I shared it with Keith, he cried, too, and said, "This is a message straight from Jesus, for me." you have had quite an impact!
I've thought and felt all the things you describe, at one time or another. God's love for us is so far beyond what we can imagine. His greatest joy is that we believe Him, love Him, and want to follow Him. You do all that, so there is no way you can be a disappointment. Your greatest task right now is being the beautiful wife and mother that I know you are. I know it from reading your posts on your blog and on FB, and I know it from other's posts back to you. What you are doing for your family is a reflection of how Jesus treats his Bride, the church, and cares for all its children.
I've told you before, you have a gift for writing! Your analogy of the Labrador and the tennis ball is priceless! I hope you will write more to share with people who need to hear. You have bumps and warts just like all of us. You are "real" and that's what can draw people to God through your words and your humility. I feel much closer to Him because of what you wrote on your blog!
Please keep it up! Use your gift! You are precious to God and to so many others!
Thank you, Ann. Sometimes I think something is shared with a group and it's meant for just one or two people who need to hear it. Now I know why this actually got posted...it almost didn't. ;)
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