Learning to trust

I haven't had a chance to really sit down and write anything in a long time...and while I can't say that I actually have time for it today, I'm doing it nonetheless.

For me, the past month (or two) has been one of those times of growing, stretching, going through the ringer, and being molded by the Lord. I hadn't felt like sharing much, because I couldn't really sort out what was going on inside enough to convey it. Nothing much has changed, circumstantially. But I am coming to a deeper realization that I'm not in control of my life, and that's actually a good thing. Even when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, my Sweet Jesus does. Nothing is a surprise to Him. When I reach the end of my (admittedly short) rope, and I can no longer make myself believe I can hold it all together, He is there to catch me. I have to let go enough to feel the fall, and then I'm in His arms. It's a very short distance, really.

But now, after the fall - and the catch - it's so easy to climb right back out of His arms, trying to put the pieces back the way I think they should go. I have an ideal plan for the next ten years. And it's pretty obvious that if things could just work out the way I want them to, life would be great!

Right?

But how much I would have missed if everything had always gone according to my plans! Events that seemed like tragedies - and discipline I didn't want to receive - have brought about the most godly character changes within me, the times of sweetest communion with my Lord, and the deepest satisfaction I've found in human relationships. And those tragedies and discipline would never have found their way into my ten-year plan. Never in ten years, and never in a million years.

So what does that mean for an insecure, often obsessive, sometimes short-sighted, and very idealistic person - like me? It means that I must prayerfully consider and make my plans in pencil. I must be willing to give up my heart's desire-of-the-moment for the rich and beautiful and often scary plans that God has for me. He is refining me. And every bend in the road - that I can't see beyond - is another chance to learn, to trust, to grow. With childlike faith that does not demand to know the end, but simply trusts the Father.

I don't want to be blown around by the winds of fear anymore. I don't want my joy to be based on circumstances. Lord, teach me to trust You more. May I trust enough to always rest in Your arms, and not have to experience Your loving "catch" to remind me that You are infinitely faithful.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. Psa. 131:2