Waiting

Waiting is hard. We've been at our current base for four years, and you know what that means: it's highly likely that orders will be coming our way sometime soon. Part of the military adventure is not knowing where (or when!) we're going next! But I find myself having less and less patience for that type of "adventure" lately. In my sinful human heart, I want nothing more than to be able to tightly grab hold of the future, squeezing and twisting it to fit my own short-sighted desires. Sometimes I feel tired of a life where one can never really put down roots. I am not a person who likes change, and somewhere in my dreams, my husband has a middle-class civilian job, and we have no plans to leave a community and church and friends we love...ever ...We own our home, and I can paint the rooms whatever color I want without that irritating thought in the back of my mind - in a few years, I'll be painting all these walls white again!...My kids can have a school and activities where I'll have reason to care about the happenings a few grades ahead of theirs; no more of this by the time Drake is old enough to be involved in that, we won't be here anymore stuff.

Yes, sometimes the grass truly seems greener on the other side.

But about four years ago, I went through something that changed my life. We moved to Florida. Did I want to leave Minot? No! Was I angry and frustrated, and did I throw some grown-up sized temper tantrums? Yes! I wanted nothing more than to stay forever in the frozen north. Granted, I was learning to trust the Lord a bit (if you've been reading this blog for long, you'll probably remember that my relationship with Jesus truly began during that assignment), but I could not imagine why on earth I would have to leave the people who mattered most to me in all the world, and who had been instrumental in gently bringing me to an understanding of who God is and how much I need Him. It was utterly disappointing and confusing for me.

I wore these feelings on my sleeve, apparently. One night just before we left, one of these precious people I was struggling to let go of sat down with me and gave me a half-sheet of white paper. I have just now pulled it out from its place, and I'm looking right at it, remembering. This is what it says:

Attitude
by Charles Swindoll

"The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company..a church..a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past.. We cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:5-8

Yep, that's what it said! I was convicted, and decided to change my attitude and make the best of what had to be. That doesn't mean it was all easy and happy, but it did help me notice the hand of God more readily. I realized that He was in Florida too! (And I carried that paper with me in my purse for several years!)

No matter what our situation or lifestyle, the God we serve gives us specific blessings and a purpose for being in our particular position. This is something positive He has shown me about the military (or any transient) lifestyle: we may have an easier time keeping an "eternal" perspective. We do not have the option to buy a house and plan to stay there through our golden years. We can invest ourselves in our church fellowship to a point, but this is knowing that soon we will be ripping ourselves away from those people we've grown to care so much about. We will have to start over a number of times...and get that lonely and difficult "stranger in a strange land" feeling, no matter how many times we do it. But although these facts may be annoying or downright discouraging, the benefit is that we are pressed nearer to God in the lonely and uncertain times, and reminded again that this world is not our home! Feeling like a "stranger" can be a keen reminder to praise and thank the Lord of Heaven that this world isn't all there is!

Right now, I don't have a desire to stay here forever like I did in Minot. But there is something I do want, a precious desire of my heart. I have been pleading with the Lord over it. And yet I know that only He sees the big picture. Only the King of the Universe knows exactly where He wants us to fit into it. How many times have I laid my desires at His feet, and then found myself sneaking back to retrieve them, to try squeezing them in my own hands again? My flesh cries out for power over the future, which, of course, it cannot and should not have.

We hope to know by December 15 a little more of what our future will hold, although there is also the distinct possibility that we may be totally skipped over for orders this cycle. (In that case, the wait will continue.)

I pray that no matter what happens, whether we get a "yes" or a "no" or a "wait some more", that I will be able to bring glory to Jesus with my attitude. I pray that we will be filled with patience beyond measure to get through this time of waiting, and that the Lord would see fit to mature us into the most useful vessels possible, whatever the outcome. He is good! Always.

Stormy weather

This evening, we've started getting some wind and rain from the outer bands of Hurricane Gustav. It's predicted to make landfall in Louisiana on Monday, but folks in our area have begun preparations for a possible evacuation, or for weathering the storm at home (possible power outages, gas and supply shortages, etc). The base commander makes the final decision for all base personnel, whether we stay or go; he is expected to make his decision tomorrow. We don't think we will probably be evacuating.

We pray to the God who can calm storms that He use or silence this one for His glory. Evacuating with just your family, pets, important documents, photos, and a few other material posessions that fit into your car is a good way to keep everything in perspective - you really can't take it with you. For packrats like Adam and me, that's a good lesson to learn (or re-learn!) every once in awhile!

I will let you know if we end up evacuating. We suspect that we won't this time. We do ask special prayers for the people affected by Hurricane Katrina who are still living in the area, obviously those in the New Orleans area, but also those stationed at Keesler AFB, Mississippi. Many airmen (and their families) stationed at Keesler lived through Katrina and had to come back to Keesler and rebuild...and now they may have to do it all over again. While we do choose to be in the military, we don't often get to choose where we live...so I pray that those airmen and families may have comfort and be encouraged!

Drake Adam

Six years ago today, I was coming out of recovery from an emergency c-section and meeting my tiny, 4-lb-15-oz-17-inch baby boy for the first time. It was about this time of day, too - early afternoon - when I first laid eyes on my sweet baby. He had been in the world for almost two whole hours by the time I finally met him, and his daddy had done a heroic job of keeping nurses with bottles of formula away from him - and oh, how they had wanted to give him one because of his tiny size! He had already had his first tub bath (given by Daddy), and was patiently waiting for his first meal from Mama with those alert and snappy dark-blue eyes. His features were so tiny and fine that he looked like a little doll. If ever there was a "button nose," his was one!

I was exhausted from labor, still a little groggy from the general anesthesia, and in great pain - I had no epidural to carry me through for a few extra hours. Every slight movement brought a sharp pain to my incision, and it seemed even lifting an arm somehow engaged my abdominal muscles, which were freshly closed with several layers of stitches and 21 shiny staples through the skin. All I really wanted to do was sleep. But here was this miraculous little bundle! Could it really be? He was alive! Healthy even. And he was all ours! He was tiny and perfect, and he looked at me with those knowing little newborn eyes.

And I have been hooked, ever since. Hooked on this little person who grips my heart like no other, who brings me unending joy at every new turn, who sometimes disappoints, and often confuses me. Drake is now all about shooting and destroying and battling! If it can be climbed, shot, swung around, or thrown, he wants to do it! But in a certain frame of mind, he displays great tenderness and care toward the underdog, the young, the victim. He especially cares for his baby brother, and has a conscience that is easily pricked. He is excessively energetic and silly, and he can be the extreme daredevil, but he's often afraid to go new places and try new things. He is a very "touchy" person, just like his daddy.

What a privilege it is to be a mother! To be awakened countless times each night to feed and change a newborn; to show a little person how to eat, to walk, to talk. What a responsibility to raise a child - to teach sharing, respect, kindness, compassion, honesty. I have never known anything so fulfilling, and yet so daunting.

And Drake is the one pulling me along on this exciting journey! He is so completely average, and yet so miraculous and amazing! It is my joy to watch him grow and mature, and yet to try to hold on to the memories of his precious babyhood.

There is no one quite like our Drake! My daily prayer over him at night is that he will grow in his understanding of God's glory and God's love (for him and for all people), that he will love the Lord with all his being, that he will understand and embrace the truth, that he will love others unconditionally, and that he will be used mightily by the Lord.

We are now one-third of the way done raising our son - a sobering thought - and we pray for wisdom during the next two-thirds!

Happy birthday, my dear son! You are amazing, and we love you beyond words. What an incredible six years these have been!

A small mutiny

We're having company in a few days, so I've started thinking about preparing for that. And we're also having Drake's 6th birthday party here a week from tomorrow. So yesterday afternoon, I went into the playroom and sat down in the middle of the floor, sorting toys. Army men with the army men, Transformers with the Transformers, baby toys in the baby toy bins, and all the miscellaneous stuff....ummm....over here in these drawers. Now, admittedly I should have had Drake doing it, or at least helping me, but I just didn't feel like I could handle any more battles with him yesterday.

So I was in there sorting, and Drake came in, and asked in a horrified voice, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"I'm cleaning up the playroom," I told him.

"No," he whined, "Don't do that! I like it this way!" pointing to the toy-scattered landscape.

"But isn't it easier to find things when it's all cleaned up?"

"No, it's easier to find them when I can see them all! I don't want you to clean it!"

I was surprised, to say the least. Unfortunately, I sort of expect that kind of reaction when he's the one doing the cleaning, but I was cleaning it myself! If he doesn't even like things picked up when someone else is willing to do it for him, how am I ever going to get him motivated to keep his stuff picked up on his own?

How I would love to have a maid!! But apparently my son would rather live in clutter. Neither of us actually enjoys picking stuff up, but at least I like it when things are organized! Perhaps that's an acquired trait?

I know I'm setting myself up for all kinds of derision and advice by posting something like this, but I am weary. I know that I am the parent - "the boss" - but after awhile I feel like there is a mutiny going on, and it's such a battle to deal with the same sinful attitude issues in my kids over and over again. Consistency is the key; I know this. And I need to not give in or back down (and not do things like clean something up myself that I should have Drake doing, only because I can do it 10 times faster and because I don't want to listen to his protests).

Often, Drake is a sweet, helpful kid who thinks of others before himself. And then there are times like now. I don't feel like we're doing anything different with him, but it saddens and disappoints me when he can't get along with his playmates, whines and complains about everything all day, says mean things to his brother, and the list goes on. I am apprehensive about him starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks, because I really don't want him to get off on the wrong foot with his teacher and classmates, but his whole disposition has been so "sour" lately. I know there is a kind, sweet, hard-working little boy in there somewhere. Where did he go?

But really, I see many of the same attitude problems that he is displaying reflected in my own heart, and I'm not too efficient at getting rid of them either. I complain a lot too, often inwardly, but that doesn't make it any better. I can be lazy too - I don't want to do things that seem overwhelming to me. So I understand it. I really do. But I think we find it even harder to deal with sin in others that we ourselves struggle with. Maybe because it seems more hopeless?

Yesterday I took the TV away indefinitely. You would think the entire world had ended. Then a little while ago, I told him I was about to take "play" away from him, too, if he could not be thankful for it and stop complaining. I guess I had better get to thinking of lots of chores he can do this afternoon. I pray that I will not have to take it quite that far...

Missing kitty

We realized this evening that our sweet kitty, Heidi, has been missing probably all day today. She could have possibly gotten out last night or early this morning. Our front screen door had been squeaky for a long time, so we oiled it a couple of weeks ago, and it has been closing much slower (probably like it's supposed to) since that time, prompting Heidi to escape to the outdoors more readily. She usually just slinks around in the garden or lays on the front walkway right by the door when she gets out...but then again it's never been for more than a few minutes. Who knows what she would do if left outside for hours? She is declawed in the front, and has been strictly a base-housing housecat for over 7 years. She's our baby! Drake is heartbroken, and really, Adam and I are too. I've been combing the neighborhood "calling" her (she responds to meows, and actually talks back to me, and usually comes running when I meow to her). Please pray for our Heidi to return home safely! I will let you all know if we find her. We've put out her food and water dishes on the front porch tonight. We miss her so much.