October 15th

Today was a very busy day for us, as we are so blessed right now to have my parents visiting us from the other side of the country! In fact, in a few minutes I will be posting more pictures of our visit to the beach this afternoon. However, amidst all the hustle and bustle, I found a small amount of time to reflect on all this day means to me.

As I'm sure most are aware, Adam and I are actually the parents of four children, two of whom are quietly missing from our lives on this earth. Our first two babies, Sam and Clayton, were miscarried and stillborn, respectively. Their story can be found here.

The movement toward making Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day "official" began shortly before our losses occurred. I found myself becoming involved in this cause as a way to channel the love I had for my babies into something constructive. It was a way to validate the feelings I had, to keep me from going crazy when something so deep and real as a mother's love seemed completely out of place in a home with no children living there. My reasons for involvement were almost completely selfish, and once the wound was no longer gaping, I was happy to move on to more tangible things, namely caring for baby Drake. But whatever the reason, and for whatever timeframe, the portion of my life devoted to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day will never be forgotten.

I've never been in contact with a governor before or since, but for two years in a row after Clayton's death, I had personal e-mail correspondence with the governor of the enormously populated state of North Dakota! And we have in our home two official proclamations from the State of North Dakota, signed by the governor, stating facts on pregnancy and infant loss, and that October 15th of those two years was to be officially set aside as a day of remembrance. It was a bitter, yet sweet time in my life.

I remember the sweetness of God's hand upon me, and though I was only beginning to recognize Him and to know Him, He was (and of course, still is) ultimately patient with me, leading me gently to a greater understanding of His glory and goodness.

I am very much out of the loop now with Remembrance Day, and aside from quietly remembering my little ones, I don't really do anything special on October 15th. However, I know that several years ago, a resolution was finally passed by the U.S. House of Representatives making Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day both national and permanent, removing the need for annual state proclamations, like the ones I was able to secure for North Dakota in 2002 and 2003. It is a cause that is - however quietly - very dear to my heart, because it marks the most difficult leg of my journey into motherhood.

Today, I thank the Lord for all four of the children I have carried, some longer than others. We are so blessed to be raising two of them. While we were at the beach this afternoon, I helped Drake and Levi each make footprints in the sand. The tide was high, and washed their footprints away not long after I took this picture. I was thinking today that the picture will help me remember details like the color of the sand, the brightness of the sun, and the small size of their feet. And having a day like October 15th will always help me to stop and remember the details of a couple of years of my life that I might otherwise want to forget, but for the hand of God upon them.